How to Support Someone Going Through Infertility 

Infertility is a very complicated topic. There’s a multitude of emotions that come with it. There are so many different types of infertility and treatments. There’s very little to no support at all for couples going through this. And it’s often a very minimized problem.

What do I mean by all of this? Let’s dive in. 

The emotional component 

Infertility is much like grief. It’s a feeling that stays with you forever, and yes I do mean forever. Even if you are able to get pregnant, it’s always there. It lingers in everything you do. I think comparing it to grief helps others understand it more. Almost everyone has lost a loved one. You never fully let go of that person, you just learn to live around the grief. No matter how much time passes, you still, every so often, find yourself reminded of that person. Maybe it’s a location, a sound, a taste, anything really, and suddenly your back grieving your loss. No matter how happy you are…you’re always a little sad. 

Infertility is like this. You’re grieving the fact that your journey isn’t what you thought it was going to be. You don’t get to have the same experiences as those not struggling. Maybe you’re grieving the family you might have had, if not for infertility. You might have to come to terms with not being able to carry your child. You might need to face not being a mom at all.

No matter how much time passes, it’s always there. No matter how many healthy pregnancies you’ve had, it remains. Whatever your outcome, it doesn’t leave. There’s always going to be something to remind you. Same as grief, it will forever stay in your heart and you simply learn to grow around it. 

Lack of Support 

Unfortunately, I truly do believe there’s very little support for people going through this. To start, most people don’t even know what to say, resulting in them saying the “wrong” things. This can feel extremely isolating. Imagine someone seeks support by talking to friends and family, and they constantly hear things that make them feel worse. They will eventually stop trying to talk about it. They will learn to keep their feelings to themselves. While I do truly believe, most of the time, this is completely unintentional, the damage is still done. 

In addition, I have been to 2 fertility clinics. Neither of them did any sort of mental health screening for me. They’ve never offered any support groups or services. Never referred me to a therapist. They’ve honestly never even asked me how I’m doing mentally. While I know they’re doing their jobs the best they can, their main focus is on your physical health. It will always be on your body’s reactions to the medication. This unfortunately, makes you feel like your mental health doesn’t matter in this process. It’s a reminder that you need to simply push those negative thoughts down and keep going. 

It is also not very well understood by the general public. Most people think of infertility as shots and doctors appointments. Honestly most of what you see on social media is about this. While that aspect is difficult, by far the hardest part is the emotional and mental component. But people don’t see that. Now this isn’t to say that every person you walk past should know what you’re going through. I definitely don’t expect strangers to understand or even care. I bring this up to highlight that a struggling person might be surrounded by friends. These friends might have no idea what they’re going through. That can be really hard. You have friends that you love and trust. But you know that you can’t tell them what’s going on because they just won’t get it. Looking for anyone who isn’t going to instantly tell you to “just relax and it will happen.” Which leads to the next part of this post…

Things not to say or do to someone struggling with their fertility 

Be mindful of what you say and do. This is crucial when someone has decided to open up and share their fertility journey with you. Even if you think you’re being kind or helpful, sometimes it’s not perceived that way. Here are a few things to avoid when interacting with someone going through infertility.

• Don’t say “It’s all in God’s timing.” I do truly understand the sentiment. However, it doesn’t make us feel better. It makes us think some really negative thoughts about our relationship with God. (if we have one) 
• Don’t tell them to relax… We know we need to relax, but it’s near impossible given the circumstances. 
• Don’t minimize their experience by saying things like, “Well, at least you know you can get pregnant” or “At least you already have a baby” It ignores how difficult the struggle can be it and it minimizes any loss someone might have suffered
• Don’t say anything about how you’re glad you didn’t have to do that. Don’t mention how easily you got pregnant. (And for the record, yes someone did this to me.)
• Don’t make suggestions. They’ve already tried tracking ovulation, getting drunk, going on vacation, trying supplements, the list goes on. 
• If they’ve already been pregnant, don’t say anything about how next time their body will know what to do. This makes it feel like you’re discrediting their journey, like it wasn’t real. (And yes, again…this was said to me many times)
• Don’t discuss their age. Don’t talk about how they’re older and don’t tell they “but you’re so young!” 
• Don’t ask whose “fault” it is. I think it’s obvious this isn’t appropriate, but here we are…
• Don’t ignore or exclude them. Especially not on the premise that “they probably wouldn’t want to go anyway.” It’s already really lonely and it sucks when someone does this. 
• Don’t say “Everything happens for a reason” because really what is the reason???

And a bonus…one we really shouldn’t be saying to/asking ANYONE!! 

• “When are you going to have a baby/another baby?” – You don’t know anyone’s journey, you don’t know their decisions, you don’t know their struggle. Stop asking this. 

How to support someone

And finally, I believe it’s not helpful to offer criticism without any solutions. Here are some things you CAN say and do to support someone who’s struggling. 

• “I’m so sorry, that must be difficult” 
• “Do you want to talk about it?” 
• Continue to include them/ invite them to things, even if they say no 
• Give grace if they don’t answer your call or text 
• Support all decisions they’re making 
• Be sensitive when talking about your own children or pregnancy

If you’d like to learn more about supporting a friend or family member. You can visit this link for more ideas about how to support their fertility journey.