When you just can’t get pregnant…

I’ve written and rewritten this blog more times than I can count. I’ve debated sharing this for quite some time, going back and forth on whether or not to post it. I’ve struggled with exactly how to write about this topic, but finally decided a good starting point is here…

I’ve actually shared this with some people by now, but posting it online for all to read and know is a different story. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but I think anyone who has gone through something similar can vouch for the fact that sometimes it’s just funky to talk about. But I do think it’s important to talk about and normalize. After all, 1 in 6 couples (probably more) struggle with their fertility. 

I feel like as much as I would like to share the full story of our journey, a good place to start is the impact it’s had on me. No matter your journey or need of treatment, it’s a complete – for lack of a better term – “mind-fuck.” One of the things your body is supposed to just do naturally, it’s not doing… making you question everything! Did I eat the wrong foods, did I expose myself to something toxic, or (the worst thought I had) was I being punished for something? I didn’t understand why we couldn’t get pregnant and we still don’t know. All of our tests came back normal. 

When we started this journey, month after month I would stand in front of the bathroom mirror and look down at another negative pregnancy test. At first, I was excited and each time I took a test, I was sure it was going to be positive. But as time progressed, I felt defeated. I was beaten down and honestly, depressed. At that point in our lives, we had so many positive things going on, but none of them seemed to matter. 

It was all consuming, there really wasn’t a way for it not to be. I drove 3 hours round trip to see my doctor. I took every other day off of work for testing. I tracked every aspect of my cycle. It felt like everyone around me was pregnant (which to be fair, they kind of were…) I tried to stay positive and upbeat, but I was holding back tears at every moment. I felt like nobody understood what I was going through. We basically didn’t tell anyone. 

This whole journey started in January of 2021 and we finally had our beautiful baby boy in January of 2023. Despite getting pregnant and having a baby, it’s something that will always be a part of you. It’s in your DNA. It shapes how you view the world, how you interact with others, and how you view yourself. As happy as you become once you’re pregnant and have your baby, it still looms over everything. You’re jealous when you listen to other people talk about how easily they got pregnant. You’re often thinking about how you might’ve already had a baby by now if you didn’t have to go through all of this. And it’s so hard knowing that next time… you’ll have to do this all over again. 

This is the path we’ve been given, for whatever reason, or for no reason at all…I don’t really know. But I do believe it makes us more empathetic, more sensitive, and more aware of the strength we all have inside of us. I’m proud to say that because of all of this, I’ve learned a lot of things that will stick with me forever.